I am a sucker for “used to’s.” I “used to” look a certain way and fit into a certain size of jeans. I “used to” workout everyday, sometimes twice. I “used to” wake up and drive to the beach to watch the sunrise. I “used to” be vegan. I “used to” be so much more confident. There are a lot of things that I used to do or be, things that are no longer a present reality and things that I still want to define myself by.
In the same way that I am addicted to attaching my identity to what I used to do, I have also found myself stuck on the way the relationships I have used to look. With my mindset so firmly attached to the past, it has been difficult for me to move on from relationships that are no longer present in my life.
Since I was about 16, I have had a nasty habit of scrolling for hours through old photos on my phone, reminiscing on screenshots of texts with an ex and pictures of myself from when I was younger and thought I looked “better.” I would dwell on things that resurfaced old memories, whether positive or negative, and always brought up the uncomfortable realization that things now were different. As far as I was concerned, hindsight wasn’t 20/20. The past was better. I missed it, and I constantly compared the person I was in the moment to the version of myself in the past.
By the time I turned 19, I had accepted this about myself. I never thought about the real reason for this habit or why I constantly felt the need to dwell on the past in such an intense way. I accepted that taking years to get over an ex was just a part of my character. I accepted that no matter how I looked in the mirror that day, I would never look as good as those pictures of me from high school (pictures where, in reality, I was incredibly unhealthy). I accepted that the bitterness I had against certain individuals was impossible to diminish. Romanticized memories and spiteful grudges would forever overshadow the reality of the present.
“You’re falling down the rabbit hole again,” my girlfriend said.
With a dramatic sigh, I swiped out of the photos app and threw my phone onto the bed.
“Why do I keep doing this to myself?”I thought.“Why do I constantly feel the need to diminish the life I have now and romanticize a past version of myself?”
When we dwell on the past, we burden ourselves with unrealistic expectations that do not align with the lives we have now. We are not the same people that we were years ago; we have different problems, different experiences and different lives. There is no doubt that there is security in what is familiar. There is a feeling of safety in situations that we have been in before, whether those experiences were beneficial or harmful to us. However, it is vital to our growth as individuals that we consistently make healthy choices and develop healthier habits, even if it makes us uncomfortable.
That being said, here is how I have learned to look forward instead of focusing backwards.
When it comes to holding onto my own past life, I do my best to acknowledge the differences in the lives of my past self and my current self. Doing so makes room for self-grace, allowing me to recognize and accept the person I am today without making excuses for mistakes.
For example, I have had a really hard time accepting my body as I have gotten older and developed into an adult. I know that I finally have a healthy relationship with food and exercise; however, it is still tempting to look to the past where I think I looked “better.” I acknowledge that I wasn’t healthy; I was actually suffering from disordered eating habits and an unhealthy obsession with working out.
When it comes to non-physical things like self-confidence, I remind myself of things I am capable of now that my younger self would be proud of. I remind myself once again that, of course, my perspective now is different from the past. I have gone through different things and learned new lessons about life. Not only is it cheesy, but it’s true.
When it comes to holding onto past relationships, I have learned to recognize that some people are meant to play a specific role in your life for only a designated amount of time. It is tempting to hold onto people and do your best to save relationships that you value; however, sometimes there is only so much that can be done. Is the other person matching the effort that you are putting in? If the answer is no, it’s time to accept the role that the other person has played in your life and that the relationship has run its course and served its purpose. Let me tell you: it is a painful thing to do, but it is completely possible.
