Written by: Edward Backer
Editor’s Note: The following articles are written by counseling professionals and students from Counseling Services in partnership with the Southern Accent.
College is the time to have new experiences and opportunities for growth. Inevitably, some of the most significant challenges include getting into conflicts or breaking up with friends, roommates and romantic partners. How students deal with these situations depends on their maturity and resources. Here are some tips on what to do to get through these rough times.
As with any problem, the first step is to ask, “Why?” According to Ellie K. Vilendrer, an esteemed mediator and arbitration attorney in the field of dispute resolution, “Misperceptions, strong negative emotions, or poor communication” are often the culprits for conflict with those close to you. In these situations, identify the reason for the disagreement by asking open-ended questions such as “What about that was important to you?” and “What are you concerned about?” By identifying the underlying issue, you can work the problem out more efficiently or avoid future disagreements.
Open and clear communication is essential in conflict resolution. Acting passively, showing aggression or avoiding the problem are surefire ways to hinder progress. Instead, try to express your feelings and concerns openly.
One method is to use “I” statements. “An I-statement focuses on your own feelings and experiences. It does not focus on your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do,” explains Boston University Ombuds Francine Montemurro. For example, say, “I feel upset when you don’t clean up after yourself,” instead of “You never clean up after yourself.” A simple shift in the subject can make or alleviate potential tension.
Ideally, addressing conflict in a healthy manner will lead to compromise. Both persons involved should be prepared to put their pride aside and arrive at an acceptable solution. This can mean working together to let go of certain habits that trouble the other person. According to Kenneth W. Thomas, co-creator of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, sometimes “it might be better to concede gracefully and minimize the loss of goodwill from prolonging the argument.” When at all possible, it is best to search for a win-win situation to settle matters so that all feel happy with the results.
Sometimes, collaboration and compromise aren’t enough. Breakups are emotionally exhausting and can be handled with sympathy and regard. With these departures, it is best to give yourself the time to grieve and accept the loss of a relationship. It can also be beneficial to surround yourself with encouraging friends and involve yourself in fun and fulfilling activities.
Establishing clear boundaries and following them is another important part of dealing with conflict. This may involve less contact with an ex-partner or friend or taking the time to define what continued interactions are appropriate. Minimizing contact “will provide you both with the time and space you need to heal and evaluate how you want to interact moving forward,” according to an article from the University of Colorado at Boulder. Respecting each other’s decision to maintain space is the best way to end a relationship or friendship that has meaning.
Difficult as it might be, coping with fights and breakups is an unavoidable part of college life. Remember, you will pull through the situation with the right tools: communication, collaboration, compromise and respect. Every experience has the potential to help you grow and mature, but it comes down to how willing you are to make the best of it.