By: Heidi Burke
“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”
So begins Harriet Lerner’s “The Dance of Anger,” a book that revolutionized my relationships.
I used to hate my anger. Directed at the most unexpected people, it would erupt in unanticipated circumstances, and I felt like I had no control. Not only could I not predict when my anger would appear, but when it did arrive, I had no idea how to handle it like an adult.
Throwing myself on the floor and shrieking was obviously not the right move, and punching walls or flipping chairs didn’t seem right either. But neither did the alternative of faking passivity. Hiding or denying anger until it went away just left me feeling lethargic and with a lingering sense of self-betrayal. All of my tactics—whether lashing out or bottling it up—resulted in dissatisfaction and shame, with no real resolution.
Enter “The Dance of Anger.” Despite its name, “The Dance of Anger” is not a book about angrily dancing. It’s a book about relationships—the bad, the broken, the toxic—and how to turn them around. I have had many relationships that have brought me great joy throughout my life. But sometimes, relationships also bring pain. I know I’m not alone in feeling frustrated toward a friend who refuses to discuss our disagreements. And I know others struggle with the opposite problem, with tiny disagreements exploding into week-long feuds where both sides refuse to back down.
If, like me, you struggle to effectively respond to a relationship going (or gone) sour, “The Dance of Anger” could be your secret weapon. Written by Lerner, a clinical psychologist, the book uses stories from Lerner’s clients to illustrate ways to process anger in a healthy way, turning rage into an effective tool to inspire change.
One of Lerner’s most insightful tips is to recognize patterns in your arguments. If you constantly have the same disagreement with someone, venting your frustration is unlikely to bring positive results.
In fact, according to Lerner, such escalation will only protect the status quo as it continues the cycle of arguing. Instead of making futile attempts to change the other person, Lerner urges readers to evaluate the situation and then decide how to navigate the friendship without expecting any changes from the other person.
This could be as simple as accepting a difference of opinion, or as impactful as acknowledging that a relationship takes too much energy to maintain.
Lerner’s advice is simple and realistic, and the stories are fascinating (particularly for those of us who are nosy about other people’s relationships). A quick read, just nine chapters, “The Dance of Anger” is an easy step toward healing your rockiest relationships.
Reading “The Dance of Anger” helped me recognize toxic habits and cycles in my relationships. It was the perfect book at the perfect time and kickstarted me on a journey of self-improvement and self-discovery.
I still get angry and have relationships that get dicey, but I now feel empowered to handle these situations effectively. “The Dance of Anger” taught me ways to take control of and responsibility for cycles of arguing, avoidance or frustration.
Prepare yourself for the next time anger bubbles up. Learn to navigate even your most difficult relationships by reading Harriet Lerner’s “The Dance of Anger.”