Written by: Kristen Page
Surrender. It’s a word I don’t especially like. It sounds like giving up, losing, not getting what I pray for. I can understand surrendering a bad habit. Even if I don’t like it now, it’s clearly for my good in the long run. But what about the good things I long for? Why do I need to surrender those?
I have a distinct memory from when I was 9 years old. I found myself in my front yard, leaning on the fence and gazing over the valley below. I was trying to make sense of the disaster my life had become since my brother Derek’s leukemia diagnosis a few months before. I said under my breath, “I will follow God no matter what happens.”
Fast forward four years: my brother had relapsed twice and was fighting for his life a third time. As a teenager, it hit me differently. I was no longer able to live life one day at a time, as I had when I was younger. I prayed harder, doubted more, worried constantly. I wrestled with God for my brother’s life.
One day I heard a sermon that tore my heart out, shredded it and shoved it back into my chest. The pastor shared a series of miracle stories, but the last story he told was about a lady who had cancer and was not healed. Somehow in that moment, I knew.
But I was not about to surrender. I wrestled harder; I hardly ate; I stayed up late pleading and got up before dawn to beg some more, but there was no answer. That sermon kept gnawing around in my thoughts. The pastor said we had to be willing to surrender all of our desires, even for life itself. “Ok, God. I will surrender. What’s going to happen is going to happen, and I am choosing to still follow You. But, God, would you do this one thing? Please show Derek a glimpse of what heaven will be like before he dies.” My brother was gone within 48 hours.
Death is ugly, and grief is not much prettier. I felt so lonely. Of course, I concealed all this under a bubbling, giggly exterior. But alone in bed, there was no one to hide from. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I asked “why?” a thousand times, and God slowly revealed some things to me.
I learned to lean hard on God. I learned that He is faithful to His promise, “As your days, so will your strength be.” (Deuteronomy 33:25). God never promised that my life would be easy. But being a Christian isn’t about answered prayers; it’s about following Jesus, and He ended up in Gethsemane pleading, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me.” (Matthew 26:39).
God said “No” to His own son. Jesus surrendered and died a horrible death the next day. In the moment, all of His suffering seemed pointless. Yet because of His experience, Jesus is acquainted with my grief. God cared about me enough to die for me, and that’s why I will keep following Him, no matter what happens. I am confident that God never takes us on a path He Himself has not walked.
If you are struggling, take courage, my friend. He will give you strength.
