Written by: Emily White
“Love yourself first, because that’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.” I’ve heard this adage plenty of times, but I didn’t start to take it seriously until recently. I’ve had to live with myself for 22 years, and I can’t say I’ve been the kindest to myself. I’m usually the first person to crack a joke at my own expense or to put myself down and deny my accomplishments. Why? Maybe because if I beat everyone to the punch, I won’t feel as bad when people inevitably call out my weaknesses.
However, the main weakness my friends have brought to my attention within the past couple of years is my method of avoiding criticism: talking negatively about myself. Through their gentle comments and observations, I have realized that I am my worst enemy. I am the only one holding myself back.
If I had a friend who treated me the way I treat myself, I would have left that friendship long ago. Yet here I am, still bullying myself without consequence. I cannot go on hating the girl in the mirror, hating the girl who lives in my head, hating the girl that I am. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how much my negativity has been a detriment to me. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to rework my mindset and be more positive and kind. Here are some things I’m trying.
- Replacing “can’t” with “can’t… yet.” So often, I sell myself short and stop myself from trying new things because I “can’t.” I “can’t” play cello professionally; I “can’t” find a job in my major field of study; I “can’t” mountain bike. Just because I cannot do something at this very moment does not mean that I cannot accomplish it later. I may not be able to play cello in an orchestra now, but if I keep practicing and taking lessons, I may one day be able to perform in a college or community orchestra. I may not be able to mountain bike well, but I can make it up and down a moderate hill without too much difficulty. If I keep going out on the trails, I will develop the strength to go up and down two moderate hills!
- Thinking about myself in the third person. When I catch myself thinking negative thoughts about myself, I take a step back and try to see myself from my friends’ points of view. For example, my upcoming senior recital is a source of much trepidation for me, and I’m worried that I will somehow fail in my performance. To combat this, I view myself from an outsider’s perspective, “She’s worried about her recital, but she’s put in a lot of work. She’s well prepared and has a lot of support from her friends and professors.”
- Giving myself grace. I hold myself to an unnecessarily high standard, and I beat myself up when I fail to meet it. However, when my friends tell me that they couldn’t live up to their standards, do I shame them? Of course not! I sympathize with them and give them grace. Things I should do for myself too. Did I get a lower grade than I wanted on that assignment? That’s okay; I can see what to improve for the next assignment. Did I sleep in for an extra hour? That’s okay; I probably needed to get more sleep anyway.
Are these remedies hard for me to implement? Yes. Is fixing my mindset going to take a lot of intentional work? Yes. However, I know there will be a great benefit to being able to look at myself one day and see one of my biggest supporters, not one of my biggest critics. Maybe, like me, you’re too hard on yourself. In that case, I encourage you to adopt a more positive view this semester! It’s never too late to start a lifelong friendship with yourself.
Editor’s note: Maybe one of your “can’ts” is that you can’t write for the Accent. You can’t YET, because you haven’t reached out to me about it! Email me at wausten@southern.edu if you are interested in contributing to the Lifestyle column 🙂
