By: Abby Dizon
Have you ever felt like you or one of your friends is a people pleaser? Here are some reasons you might be one, why individuals become people pleasers and some of the negative effects it can have.
According to 5 Differences Between People-Pleasing and Authentic Kindness, “People-pleasing prioritizes the needs of others at your own expense, while kindness requires giving equal consideration to the needs of others and your own.”
Yet, how do you know the difference between genuine kindness and mere cowardice? Here are some signs you may be a people-pleaser:
- Difficulty saying no to requests that require time you don’t have
- Inability to stand up for yourself
- Tendency to apologize often
- Anxiety about people’s opinions of you
- Fear of disagreements
Here are some potential reasons why individuals become people-pleasers:
• Insecurity, low self-esteem and a lack of self-love – Feeling uncertain in our own skin, we desire validation from others. When we lack confidence in ourselves, we oftentimes rely on making others happier to feel accepted or liked. Additionally, if we think that our needs and wants are less important, we create a pattern of putting other’s needs ahead of our own.
• Conflict avoidance – To not create more tension, people pleasers may feel that it is easier to agree with the other party during an argument, regardless of whether they are right or not. How do you know if you are conflict-avoidant? Besides inwardly disagreeing with others, you strive to be seen as the nice one, deny that there is an issue and avoid laying all of your cards out on the table, preventing you from fully expressing yourself.
• Fear of rejection and disappointment from others – People-pleasers often develop their tendencies from the fear of rejection or disappointment, and this can stem from two experiences. Some may never have felt worthy of love in their childhood, for various reasons, and were afraid of being rejected. On the other hand, they may have received excessive praise from others and lacked exposure to rejection. To maintain that composure, they are willing to do nearly anything for others. Regardless of the origin, people-pleasers tend to overestimate others’ negative reactions.
People will not completely reject you if you don’t meet their expectations. They may be initially upset or disappointed, but eventually they will adjust. If not, it reflects more about them than about you and indicates that they are not the right fit to be in a friendship with you. Ultimately, you are not responsible for their emotions or actions.
If you are a people-pleaser, you may feel as though your actions do not hurt anyone. Rather, you are simply maintaining peace by agreeing with others. But the sacrifice for peace only negatively impacts your mental health and relationships.
Prioritizing peace with others at the cost of peace within yourself can take a toll on your well-being, increasing both stress and anxiety. Through building assertiveness, you honor your needs and foster a healthier, more authentic connection with others, creating a more meaningful life where your actions align with your needs and values.
